always winter, never christmas

"Now that the children actually stood looking at him... he was so big, so glad, and so real, that they all became quite still. They felt very glad, but also solemn.

'I've come at last,' said he. 'She has kept me out for a long time, but I have got in at last. Aslan is on the move. The witch's magic is weakening.'

And Lucy felt that deep shiver of gladness that you only get if you are being solemn and still." - The LW&W, C.S. Lewis

i was driving down to philly tonight listening to the bach choir of bethlehem's christmas cd. i grew up listening to the choir and i can always distinguish my mom's voice out of the many. as i was driving tonight i felt filled with the christmas spirit (if that's what you want to call it) but also had a sense of stillness, of being solemn. maybe classical music brings out a solemn side of myself, i'm not sure... but what i do know is that christmas has always had a tinge of sadness with it. i got to thinking maybe because, thinking about the birth of Jesus - at the root of christmas is easter - and to be born to die brings a peculiar stillness to my world. just a thought.

looking back on christmas songs - i've always felt a subtle, underlining pang. for example, "have yourself a merry little christmas" has always made me cry... maybe it's just the beauty of Judy Gardland's voice or maybe it's thinking of the christmases past... i'm not sure. 

it's difficult to put it all into words - and maybe that's why stillness resides. there is something bigger, grander, and holier than what we've made christmas into. despite all the christmas glam - i feel my soul aching for simpler, clearer things. to hear the notes of "o holy night" or the descant to "silent night" - to look up at the sky and wonder what was seen thousands of years ago... to imagine the cry of a newborn who, one day, we would cry for as he die on a cross. it's all very surreal - the presence of the light weakening the power of the "witch", the idea of good overcoming evil, despite the sacrifices; despite the ultimate sacrifice. knowing that it was so from the beginning - that in all his power and wisdom the christmas season points to the beginning of a relationship with God, the birth of Christ. the hope that winter is melting and christmas is here...

"a thrill of hope - the weary world rejoices..."