geranamo!

in light of the heaviness i've been feeling the past day or two - i thought i'd share a story that, amidst the painful news last night, made us laugh really hard. for any of you that have been around both my mother and i in the midst of a laughing fit - you know how ridiculous it can get. then, throw in my cousins adrienne, laura and my aunt kathy and you'll want to leave the room. it's funny how quickly laughter can begin... and end. but this is a story about it beginning.

so, my mom and i went to target last night because we needed to pick up a few things for amy. yes, amy - you are getting wonderful presents from target this year :) i also decided that instead of wrapping gifts, i was just going to buy a whole bunch of gift bags - practical, time efficient and reusable, right? around this time of year target is more nutso than usual, and as you venture to the "clearance" christmas section, the chaos mounts. so, as i'm standing in the bag aisle (it's crazy to me that they can fill an aisle with just bags)... i notice these light up/musical bags, score! as assumed, due to little children pushing the buttons on these bags (or maybe twenty-three year olds like myself), many of the bags were no longer music-producing, boo. but then, i noticed the perfect bag under about thirty others - it had penguins, lit up AND the music worked. as i carefully removed it from the pile, the other thirty bags on top of it decided they needed to go for a ride... and slowly but surely - they fell, more like "avalanched" unto the floor. normally, this wouldn't bother me and i'd laugh at it - but this time, there were about 5 people watching, one anticipating the fall and yelling "geranamo!" the other, watching, as she rolled her cart right on over the bags that just fell. two more were about a foot to my right and the other a few feet to the left. as i bent down to pick them up - guess how many helped? 0! as i reached down to pick them up - apparently they all decided that their "music" button worked and the asile was filling with "jingle bells" and flashing lights. after about five minutes, i went and found my mom. and the following conversation took place:

ash:"so, mom - i found this awesome bag and in the process knocked over 30 other ones... about five people saw it happen - and guess how many helped me pick them up? 0." (i've been very big on numbers lately)
man walks by, listening and laughs, shaking his head
mom: "why would they help?"
ashley: "oh, i don't know - because it's three days from christmas? and who wouldn't help?"
mom: "your sarcasm is a little loud and a little thick"
ashley: "really? i'm sorry. i just figured if you were close enough to say "geranamo" and close enough to wheel your cart over the bags, you were close enough to help me pick them up"
mom: "ahahahaha, someone said 'geranamo'?"
ashley: "oh yeah."
mom: (looking at christmas ornaments, holding in laughter)
ashley: (leaning on cart, looking around the store)
mom: (looks at ashley and bursts out laughing)
ashley: "oh yeah, i'm writing the blog in my head already"
mom: "i knew it!"

don't get me wrong. it's not as if i feel entitled to help from complete strangers... i was just really surprised that no one asked if i needed a hand. i've known a handful of people who don't like christmas because of the materialism that it brings. while i have understood that point, i've always been able to overlook it in the spirit of Christmas. but last night, i was one of those people.

today, with the snow outside, the tree up and the anticipation of giving my loved ones gifts, i'm feeling a little more like myself. but, as i look outside at the snow... the stillness of the cold - that sadness (i wrote about in a previous blog) creeps in. a mixture of hope and heaviness enters my heart... as i still wonder what it's all about.

lord, hear our prayer

"time... there's always time, on my mind
pass me by, i'll be fine... just give me time" - damien rice

these are the lyrics that popped into my head as i sat down to write today. the end of 2007- to the end of 2008 has been quite the year. in twelve (give or take) short months, there have been 6 deaths, 1 birth, 1 breakup, 1 move, 2 apartments, about 4 churches, 15 classes, 1 masters degree, 2 internships, 3 jobs, 100 cups of pumpkin spice latte, and on and on. my brother has said, more than once, that he is looking forward to 2008 being over. that's what i said in 2007. will we say it again in 2009? i don't want to be so future oriented than i miss the present, but i don't want to be so present oriented that i overlook implications for the future or forget lessons learned from the past. throughout the past year or so my mantra has been to "embrace the journey" and while i have been a witness to the "beauty in the breakdown" and can confidently stand of the faithfulness and goodness of God, i still find myself wondering what part i play in all of this... [you know, stacy - i stand out in my front yard and just stare at nothing while i think... just like dawson :) ] but seriously, we have figured out all of these "laws" of nature, equations that make sense of the world, theories that make sense of behavior, words or music that make sense of feeling - but still find ourselves in a seemingly uncontrollable world.

last night i sent out an email to many friends about the passing of a family friend. i explained that i, personally, felt unable to pray. i wasn't sure what to pray for - and my attempt to begin such a prayer brought on a feeling of nausea. so, last night, i wrote the above paragraph and then started to write a prayer as well. i've shared with my home group that it is hard for me to pray out loud sometimes - there's something about hearing my own words that makes me uncomfortable... possibly inauthentic. since sharing that, i have been praying out loud more often - yet my preferred style is through writing. so, last night i figured if i couldn't pray in my head or out loud, then certainly i could write something resembling my thoughts, desires, needs? i sat here and wrote for a good fifteen minutes... but it just wasn't feeling right. anything i attempted to write fell vastly short of conveying the depth of my prayer. i was frustrated with this, and just decided to go to bed. as i was logging out of my email i noticed that two friends had already responded to my email - both with written prayers. one as simple (yet loaded) as "spirit, give us words..." this really resonated with me because for the first time in a long time, i had no words. as a person who enjoys conversation and needs to process verbally, i find it extremely frustrating when i cannot, in any way, convey my feelings or my thoughts. this is different than deciding to not share them, however. so, last night - it wasn't that i didn't want to share - in actuality, i wanted to share very much... but i felt as if i had nothing to share. all i could muster was...
lord, hear our prayer.

and i think that's enough.

always winter, never christmas

"Now that the children actually stood looking at him... he was so big, so glad, and so real, that they all became quite still. They felt very glad, but also solemn.

'I've come at last,' said he. 'She has kept me out for a long time, but I have got in at last. Aslan is on the move. The witch's magic is weakening.'

And Lucy felt that deep shiver of gladness that you only get if you are being solemn and still." - The LW&W, C.S. Lewis

i was driving down to philly tonight listening to the bach choir of bethlehem's christmas cd. i grew up listening to the choir and i can always distinguish my mom's voice out of the many. as i was driving tonight i felt filled with the christmas spirit (if that's what you want to call it) but also had a sense of stillness, of being solemn. maybe classical music brings out a solemn side of myself, i'm not sure... but what i do know is that christmas has always had a tinge of sadness with it. i got to thinking maybe because, thinking about the birth of Jesus - at the root of christmas is easter - and to be born to die brings a peculiar stillness to my world. just a thought.

looking back on christmas songs - i've always felt a subtle, underlining pang. for example, "have yourself a merry little christmas" has always made me cry... maybe it's just the beauty of Judy Gardland's voice or maybe it's thinking of the christmases past... i'm not sure. 

it's difficult to put it all into words - and maybe that's why stillness resides. there is something bigger, grander, and holier than what we've made christmas into. despite all the christmas glam - i feel my soul aching for simpler, clearer things. to hear the notes of "o holy night" or the descant to "silent night" - to look up at the sky and wonder what was seen thousands of years ago... to imagine the cry of a newborn who, one day, we would cry for as he die on a cross. it's all very surreal - the presence of the light weakening the power of the "witch", the idea of good overcoming evil, despite the sacrifices; despite the ultimate sacrifice. knowing that it was so from the beginning - that in all his power and wisdom the christmas season points to the beginning of a relationship with God, the birth of Christ. the hope that winter is melting and christmas is here...

"a thrill of hope - the weary world rejoices..."

p.s.

the concept i was referring to in my last post is "stereotypic vulnerability". it just randomly popped into my head and thought i'd share! =)

hope everyone is enjoying this holiday season and taking time to rest! 

love, ash

so i've been thinking a lot this week - about a lot of stuff without ample time to organize my thoughts. so - this is bound to be jumbled but that's how my brain usually goes =)

i had a really interesting conversation with a professor yesterday evening about what it's like to be a christian at an ivy league school. i've had this conversation with a number of people - pastors, other profs, some peers at school and it all cases it's been a good topic of thought and critique.

i went to a small christian college for my undergraduate studies. a lot of people may consider this college to be somehow sub-par because... "christian colleges are just bible schools... right?" wrong. it may come as a surprise to some that i feel i have found more open-mindedness at a small christian school than at a well known, and shall i say, progressive - ivy league. i guess i came to grad school with the naive view that "liberal" was synonymous with "open-minded." now, that was a false assumption on my part and i'll own that - but still, i've been surprised with the ways in which i have felt misunderstood and even perhaps labeled in an atmosphere that promotes cultural sensitivity.

i don't mean to share this to "dis" my graduate program. i love the program i am in along with the people in it. i bring it up to purely make a point that i feel not a lot of people are talking about. religion, faith, one's belief - whatever you want to call it - is a part of cultural, yes? yes. i'd say so. so - why don't we have a class offered on it? when we talk about "cultural considerations" why is "religion" usually last on that list - if on the list at all? why do i hear the assumption that the average american is white, middle class, christian? really? the average american? then i guess i'm a different kind of christian... i'm not going to deny the ways in which christians have perverted and skewed the words and actions of Christ. i'm not going to deny that the "squeaky wheels" of christianity have in some ways allowed, if not encouraged injustice in many forms. it sickens me, really. so now, maybe you can understand why i take issue with lumping christians together. i'm going to be honestly blunt and pose this - if i ever said that all asians were the same or all african americans were the same - i'd be berated. some people may counter, "well that's not the same, you're (christianity) is not the minority religion/culture." while i can understand the surface logic of that statement - i have to disagree. i don't know a lot of people (at least enough to say the majority of american society) who are trying to walk in the actual steps of Christ. who struggle with the tensions of adhering to truths while striving to be relevant in a postmodern society. Christ was not the majority, and neither are his followers. i struggle with these tensions every single day as do a lot of my friends. knowing that i am a witness of Christ - i need to be cautious and thoughtful about how i approach issues, people, and all the number of things people encounter throughout the day - because i am not looking to point to myself, i am looking to point to something Greater and Holy.  when you pair that with the fact that i am (and other christians) are up against the perversion and damage done by many not-so-christian christians, the struggle becomes exacerbated. here's an example - 

so, i'm in a counseling program and i hope to be a licensed professional counselor at some point in my life. now, let's take the topic of homosexuality...

what does it look like for the "christian" counselor in the agency to honestly and ethically say she's not sure she can counsel a person who identifies as homosexual? are the assumptions going to be, "yeah, just like all the other christians, she hates gays" or "she must be against gay rights"? those are the assumptions i fear because they're wrong, but they are easily said and not so easily disputed. now, as a counselor it is my ethical job to provide best practice to clients - and not knowing where i stand on the topic of homosexuality is, in my opinion, a good reason to refer a client who is homosexual as i may not provide the best therapeutic support. however, my struggle is disregarded and a stereotype is placed. there's a concept called "stereotype threat" or something to that nature - and it refers to the struggle and anxiety racial minorities feel about potentially fulfilling a stereotype of their perceived culture. i feel that same anxiety - my faith is the most salient aspect of my identity and the anxiety or tension felt in real and it is deep.

i bring all of this up - just to provoke conversation or thought. luckily, my graduate program is a place where i feel comfortable to talk about these issues - yet, i rarely do so. being a christian is supposed to be everything but easy - and i'm finding that to be very true. i guess i just want to support the struggle of each person - to strive to understand where we all come from and where we all want to go. to be honest, i want support for my struggle too. because when it comes down to it - we're not really going to get anywhere as a society until we learn how to listen to each other, until we can consider another point of view without having our own agenda. to hear and see people in terms of them rather than in terms of ourselves. if you're struggling - embrace the journey and tell someone. sharing in our struggles may prove to be our largest strength... just a thought.

peace. 

p.s.

i promise that all of my posts won't be about c.s. lewis =)

the rest of the quote

so, looks like i'm a blogger now. i don't capitalize after punctuation, i rarely capitalize pronouns and overall, my grammar is shaky. i'm not really here to captivate you with my engaging thoughts or witty social satire (which i much enjoy)... but if either of the two aforementioned occurs, great! so, when i'm walking down the street i often find myself thinking in "script" form. i'll find myself in my car or on a run writing an essay about a certain topic. i'm not sure if this is due to the immense amount of writing i've had to do through most of my schooling, or, if like my brother and mother - i enjoy self expression through writing and this form of processing comes naturally. notice that "natural" doesn't mean "good." =) i also find myself engrossed in all the works of c.s. lewis. while sometimes struggling to follow clive, i usually end up finding myself captivated. this theme of struggle followed by captivation or connection has happened in mere christianity, surprised by joy, through the shadowlands, a grief observed, and, my personal favorite - till we have faces. and i guess that's not so different from life, really. the struggle followed by the assurance? hm, i'm not sure about that yet. but, in the world of me and c.s. that's how it usually goes. the following excerpt is from till we have faces, toward the end of the book when orual is reflecting on her time with the fox and the gods:

"'Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than that which you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words.' A glib saying. When the time comes to you at which you will be forced to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like been saying over and over, you'll not talk about joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, not let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?"

what gets me here is "the speech which was lain at the center of your soul for years" - i wonder what that speech is in myself, you, in each one of us. would it be surprising to find that it's all very similar? there's something profound in the unspoken, in the un-utterable. and i do believe there is a longing in each of us - to quit the babbling and expose our face. our pore-filled, all-exposing, asymmetric face. i'm not sure, but i leave this passage thinking - who and what am i costing through my unwillingness to meet face to face?

so, there's the rest of the quote because c.s. lewis was a good man and his writings point to an even greater one. 

peace for now.